The Intervention
by vbfb1
Summary: Carlisle, Jasper and Emmett are sick of Edward's brooding; they decide a century of chastity is enough. It's time Edward learnt how to take matters into his own hands and they are going to make sure he knows how. Contest entry for Spanking the Monkey


Contest entry for Spanking the Monkey! For additional contest entries, please visit: www . fanfiction .net/~spankthemonkey4u

Title: The Intervention

Name: vbfb1

Pairing: Edward

Rating: nc-17

Disclaimer: The characters belong to SM I just like to play with them

**Summary:**Carlisle, Jasper and Emmett are sick of Edward's brooding; they decide a century of chastity is enough. It's time Edward learnt how to take matters into his own hands and they are going to make sure he knows how.

* * *

><p>I don't know what it is about the girls of Forks, but they are a particularly dirty, deviant bunch – even more so today. I'm not sure what I did differently, but nearly every girl assaulted me with thoughts of the lascivious things they'd like to do. It made me distinctly unsettled.<p>

Walking in the front door after my particularly hellish day, only the Cullen men are home. Things have been a bit strange around here of late. Carlisle, Jasper, and Emmett have been hiding their thoughts from me. It isn't strange for any one of them, but for all three to do it at the same time leads me to believe they're up to something.

I'm just about to head upstairs and take a shower when Carlisle's thoughts call me.

_Can you please come into the kitchen, son?_

Knowing that Carlisle would never summon me for anything unimportant, I turn and head into the kitchen as requested. When I get there, Emmett and Jasper are with him.

"What's up?" I ask.

"If you've got a minute, we would like to have a chat."

"Yeah, sure – what about?"

All three look at one another and then nod their heads.

"Son, we know you were changed at a young age, and the time in which you grew up was fairly…" Carlisle pauses as if trying to think of the right word.

"Prudish," Emmett adds.

I scowl at Emmett, not happy about being called a prude. Carlisle also grimaces at him, obviously not happy with his word choice either.

"The word I was looking for is conservative," Carlisle interjects. "Your one hundred and third birthday is coming up, and we think it's time you learn how to take matters into your own hands."

It is right about then Emmett's control over his thoughts slip, and I'm assaulted with images of him masturbating.

"What the hell, Emmett?"  
>The moment the words are out of my mouth similar images appear in both Carlisle and Jasper's minds.<p>

"Stop it!" I yell.

_It's all right, son. There's nothing wrong with taking care of your own needs._

_Dude, you need to release some pressure. I promise one good round of spanking the monkey and you will feel much better._

_Edward pleasuring yourself can have many benefits to your moods; most of all the constant sexual frustration you feel will be relieved. _

Their thoughts all hit me at the same time.  
>"Stop it," I growl again, putting my hands up to my head and wishing I could bleach my mind. "What the hell is going on? You better start explaining right now."<p>

"Edward," Carlisle starts, "We think it's time you started masturbating. You have been a vampire for almost a century, and we think it's time to relieve a little pent up frustration."

If not for the deadly serious looks on their faces, I would have burst out laughing. Instead, I ask, "Why?"

"Dude, we're sick to death of the moping and brooding. I promise – you start jerkin' the gherkin on a regular basis, and things are not going to seem so bad."

"Emmett," Carlisle says, shaking his head.

"What?" he says, looking at Carlisle with his 'what did I say' face.

"What I think Emmett was trying to say," Jasper interrupts, "is that your moodiness is affecting all the residents of this house, and we think regular relief of a sexual nature will help improve the situation."

"You're kidding me! This is some kind of an intervention? Do the girls know about this?" I ask.

"It was their idea," Carlisle replies.

Mortified that my whole family has seen fit to stick their noses into my business, I ask, "And why aren't they here to help?"

"They figured that we three," Carlisle says gesturing between himself, Emmett, and Jasper, "were better qualified as we have the same anatomy."

"What difference does it make if we have the same anatomy?" I ask tentatively, hoping they aren't going to actually give me a demonstration.

"They thought perhaps the reason you don't indulge in self-gratification was because you maybe didn't know how and we could give you lessons," Carlisle responds.

"I'm out of here," I yell as I take off out the back door to the woods, needing just to run.  
><em>I can't believe they all decided I need to start masturbating. What business is it of theirs?<em>

The further I run, the more confused I get. I start to think about why I'm so moody. I'm sure they would be too if they were constantly molested by everyone's sick and twisted thoughts. Maybe they're right, though; maybe sexual release is the key to expelling some of the stuff my mind has to see.

I don't know how far I've run or even where I am, but now is as good a time as any if I'm actually going to give this a try. I see an outcropping of rocks that will at least provide the illusion of privacy and head in that direction.

I sit down and let my mind wander through the countless images of masturbating I have collected over the years. I wonder what exactly the best method to get relief is. Reaching my hand down towards my crotch, I figure maybe I'll just give it a try and see what happens. Unbuttoning my jeans, I flop my penis out. Taking it in my hand, I give it a rub. After a couple minutes a few things become clear, the most important being that I just don't seem to be getting hard. If there's one thing I know about the activity of masturbating, it's that being hard is key to the process.

After trying a few different techniques without any success, I give up and head home. As I run, the feelings of failure running rampant, I consider whether something in me broke when I was turned.

_Why don't I have any sexual desire?_

When I get back to the house, they're still standing where I left them.

"Okay, fine, I need some help," I say. "Impart your wisdom."

They look at me a little dumbfounded, as if they didn't actually think I would be on board with their plan.

"Yeah, dude," Emmett exclaims with far too much excitement. "Time to teach Eddie Boy how to flog his log."

"Now, Emmett, calm down," Carlisle says. "We need to get some information first before we can provide an appropriate prescription."

I'm tempted to laugh at Carlisle reverting to doctor mode, but I think if I start laughing now I may not stop.

"So, son, the first thing you need to do is identify what triggers sexual desire."

"What?" I ask, just a tad bit confused.

"You know, what makes you hard?" Emmett clarifies.

The wave of embarrassment that washes over me at the thought of having to admit I've never had an erection is extreme.

"Why all the mortification?" Jasper asks.

"I've never had an erection," I say, so quietly I'm not even sure their vampire hearing will pick it up.

"Excuse me?" Emmett exclaims. "Did you just say you've never had an erection?"

I just nod, the shame preventing me from speaking.

"Holy crap, dude – no wonder you're so morose," Emmett says with a laugh.

I want to scream that he's not helping, and neither are the images of him trying to imagine what his life would be like if he'd never had a hard-on.

"Really, son – never? Why didn't you come to me?"Carlisle asks, momentarily distracting me from Emmett's thoughts.

"I didn't think anything was wrong with me," I reply.

"There's nothing wrong with you, Ed," Jasper interjects. "We just need to find what will awaken your sexual instinct. Why don't you let me send you some lust and desire, and we'll see if we can't wake Eddie Junior up."

"Thanks for the offer, Jas, but I would prefer not to have to do this with help."

Emmett is thinking about the copious amounts of porn he has upstairs when Alice suddenly bursts into the room.

"I think I have a solution to your problem," she says, as cryptic as always.

"Oh, really, and what might that be, sister dear?"

Her mind is suddenly full of images of the most stunning woman I have ever seen. She is a sexy, petite brunette vampire with curves in all the right places, and we're running through the woods together.

"Who is she?" I ask.

"I don't know, Edward. She just started appearing in your future."

As I think about when it is the gorgeous creature is likely to come into my life, Alice is hit with a new vision. This time the images are far more explicit – it's me and my future woman cavorting naked on Isle Esme.

For the first time ever, I feel a stirring in my pants and wonder what it would be like to be intimate with the beautiful creature in Alice's visions.

Yet again, the pictures in Alice's head change – these are extremely erotic. The images of us making love play like my own personal porno in Alice's head.

When the images cease, I'm hard as the marble I imitate. "Thank you," I whisper in Alice's ear before taking off to my room.

No sooner am I inside and the door is shut and locked than I rip all my clothes off and lay naked on my chaise lounge, letting the images of Alice's visions play on repeat in my mind.

_"Oh Edward," the beauty moans, as I slowly penetrate her with my rock hard cock._

Taking my dick in hand, I mimic the sensation of the vision by sliding my hand up and down, gathering a little of the venom weeping out with each pass to add a little lubrication.

_"Baby, so good," she moans, as I thrust into her dripping wet heat. Her pelvis rocks up to meet mine, each and every movement makes a slapping sound as our bodies collide. _

_"Faster, please," she begs. "Edward, I know you can go faster. Show me what it really feels like to be made love to by a vampire." _

_Her words make me impossibly harder, and I move my hips at a speed of which only a vampire is capable. Her skin flushes a beautiful pink, the blood rising to the surface, enticing me to want to lick each and every inch. I lower my mouth to one of her beautiful, dusky pink peaks and lavish attention upon it. _

"Oh, so good, my beauty," I moan, almost tasting her skin on my lips.

My hand now moves up and down my erection. The sensation is incredible; nearly every nerve in my body feels like it is on fire, and if I didn't know any better I would've said my heart was beating furiously.

I feel a sensation in the pit of my stomach start to develop; it's almost like a coil of pleasure winding up until the point of explosion. Up and down I move my hand, over and over, the feeling building and building.

_"Oh, God, Edward, I love you so much." My gorgeous woman moans, as her back arches off the bed, and I feel her vaginal walls spasm around me._

_The sensation of orgasm is too much to bear, and I follow her into the pleasurable abyss. _

"Argh!" I cry out, as I follow Alice's vision version of myself and let my orgasm overwhelm me.  
>My release spills in spurts all over my stomach, as wave after wave of pleasure washes over my body.<p>

Somewhere in my blissful haze, I'm sure I can hear my family cheering. As much as I want to resent their interference in my life, I just can't bring myself to be bothered in my current state of ecstasy.

Whatever my future holds, I know one thing: Edward Cullen will no longer be the prudish, brooding vampire. Nope – from now on I'll be a self-satisfied, sex obsessed seventeen-year-old.

* * *

><p>Thanks for reading please review and let me know what you thought.<p>

Contest voting starts July 8th

vbfb1


End file.
